The other day, I was sitting outside when my son said,
“Oh, there’s a crow.”

I barely looked up.
He paused for a second and called again,
“Hey Mom, look—there’s a crow.”

This time, I looked.
I acknowledged it. I asked a quick question.
He answered, and we both went on with our day.

A totally ordinary moment… or was it?

Later that night, it hit me:
That wasn’t just a passing comment—it was a bid for connection.

And I almost missed it.

Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman says he can predict the success of a marriage based on one powerful factor:

How often couples respond positively to each other’s bids for connection.

I believe the same applies to parenting—especially during the teen years.

Our kids don’t always say, “Come play with me” anymore.
Instead, their bids sound like:
“Did you see this?”
“Watch this TikTok.”
“Can you drive me?”
Or maybe… “Hey Mom, look—a crow.”

These micro-moments aren’t just background noise.
They’re invitations.
Opportunities to build trust one glance, one pause, one response at a time.

In this post, I’m going to show you how to spot these moments—especially when your teen’s DISC style might make them easy to miss.

A bid for connection is any moment when someone reaches out—verbally or non-verbally—hoping to create an emotional link.

Dr. John Gottman, who’s studied relationships for over four decades, defines a bid as:

“A gesture, comment, or action that says: ‘Can we connect for a second?’”

In marriage, these bids might look like:

• “Come look at this.”

• “Did you hear what happened today?”

• A long sigh in the kitchen, hoping someone will notice.

And in parenting?

They show up in even more subtle, blink-and-you-miss-it ways—especially with teens.

Your teen might not say,
“Hey, I need to feel emotionally close to you right now.”

But they will say:
“Can you bring me to practice?”
“Did you see what I made?”
Or simply… “Look at the crow.”

These moments are gold.

They’re the threads that keep the relationship intact when everything else feels messy or distant. And when we respond positively, we reinforce a powerful message:

“You matter. I see you. I want to connect.”

The more bids we notice and respond to, the more emotionally safe and seen our kids feel—even if they never say those words out loud.

When I first heard John Gottman say he could predict the success of a marriage with one single factor… I was skeptical.

But then I leaned in.

His research found that couples who responded positively to each other’s bids for connection—those tiny “Hey, look at this” moments—were far more likely to stay together, stay happy, and stay emotionally close.

He called it “turning toward” instead of “turning away.”

The moment I heard that phrase, I thought about parenting.

Because the truth is—parenting is a relationship.
A real, lifelong, emotional relationship that requires ongoing connection to stay strong.

And in the teenage years?
That connection is tested every single day.

The more I started noticing my child’s bids—and whether I was turning toward or turning away—the more I realized how often I was distracted, rushed, or just plain overwhelmed.

But when I started responding?
Slowing down just enough to say “Tell me more,” or “That’s cool,” or even just making eye contact?

It changed everything.

This research didn’t just change how I thought about parenting.
It changed how I show up for my kid.

These moments don’t show up with flashing lights.
They’re quiet. Subtle. Ordinary.

But they matter.

Here’s what it looked like for me the other day:

I was outside. My son, Ethan, casually said,

“Oh, there’s a crow.”

I nodded but didn’t really engage.

Then he said it again—more directly:

“Hey Mom, look. There’s a crow.”

That was the moment.
That was the bid.

He wasn’t asking me to solve a problem.
He wasn’t inviting a deep talk.
He just wanted to share a moment. To be seen. To connect.

And I almost missed it.

When our kids are little, their bids are obvious:
“Watch this!”
“Come play!”
“Can you tuck me in?”

But as they get older, especially in the teen years, their bids become quieter—or even masked behind sarcasm or nonchalance.

It might sound like:

• “Did you see my playlist?”

• “Can you take me to the store?”

• “Ugh, school was the worst today.”

If you’re not listening closely, you’ll think it’s just noise.
But it’s not.

It’s your child reaching out—saying:

“Hey, I’m here. Are you?”

And when we respond, even briefly? We plant seeds of safety, trust, and connection that grow over time.

Here’s the thing about teenagers:
They’re experts at hiding how much they actually care.

They’ll roll their eyes.
Shrug off your compliments.
Make you feel like your presence is… optional.

But under all that sass, silence, or sarcasm is a deep, very real desire to stay connected to you.

They’re still making bids for connection—you just have to know what to look for.

Why the disguise?

Because this stage of life is messy and vulnerable.
They’re trying to figure out who they are, where they fit, and how to separate from you without losing you.

So instead of asking directly for attention or affirmation, they test it.

You might hear:

• “You’re not gonna get it anyway.”

• “Whatever, it doesn’t matter.”

• “I’m fine.” (Spoiler: they’re not.)

But that tone? That moment? That comment?

That’s often a bid—camouflaged by teenage self-protection.

If you only respond to the attitude, you’ll miss the invitation.
But if you can pause, stay curious, and look beneath the surface—you’ll start to notice just how often your teen is trying to reach you.

They may never say,

“Thanks for noticing I needed connection.”
But they’ll feel it.
And that feeling? That’s what builds long-term trust.

Here’s why some parents miss their teen’s bids:

👉 They’re looking for the kind of bids they would make…
instead of recognizing the kind their teen makes.

This is where DISC becomes a game-changer.

Each DISC style has a unique way of asking for attention, affirmation, or connection—and if you don’t understand your teen’s style, you could be walking past bids all day long without realizing it.

Let’s break it down:

🟥 D-style teens (Dominant)
They crave respect and control. Their bids sound bold—even aggressive.
“Why don’t you let me do it my way?”
“Do you trust me to handle it or not?”
→ What they need: Space to lead. Validation that you believe in them.

🟨 I-style teens (Influence)
Social, expressive, and emotional. Their bids are fun and attention-seeking.
“Look at this TikTok!”
“Did you see what I wore today?”
→ What they need: Engagement, enthusiasm, and shared excitement.

🟩 S-style teens (Steadiness)
Quiet, loyal, routine-driven. Their bids are subtle and relational.
“Want to help me cook?”
Just hanging near you without saying much.
→ What they need: Consistency. Presence. Warm, non-intrusive support.

🟦 C-style teens (Conscientious)
Detail-focused and internal. Their bids sound logical or intellectual.
“Did you know ravens can mimic human speech?”
“Can I show you what I’ve been working on?”
→ What they need: Thoughtful attention. Curiosity. No rush.

When you understand your child’s style, their connection bids stop feeling random—and start making sense.

🔴 D-Style Teens (Dominance)

How they make bids:

• Direct, bold, sometimes aggressive

• Sound like arguments or challenges

• Seem like they’re pushing you away, but they’re testing: Do you still see me?

Examples:

• “You never let me make any decisions!”

• “Why do I have to ask you for everything?”

• “Just trust me, okay?”

What they really want:
To be seen as capable. Respected. In control of their world.

How to respond:

• Stay calm and confident

• Ask for their input

• Say: “I trust your judgment—what do you think we should do here?”

🟡 I-Style Teens (Influence)

How they make bids:

• Expressive, loud, playful

• Crave laughter, reactions, attention

• Use storytelling or dramatics to get your eyes on them

Examples:

• “Omg look at this dance I made up!”

• “Guess what happened at lunch today!”

• “Watch this video—it’s so ME.”

What they really want:
To feel liked, heard, and emotionally close.

How to respond:

• Match their energy (even a little)

• Show curiosity

• Say: “That’s hilarious! You’re really good at this!”

🟢 S-Style Teens (Steadiness)

How they make bids:

• Quiet, subtle, sometimes non-verbal

• Invite shared time or simple tasks

• May linger in the room hoping you’ll engage

Examples:

• “Want to help me bake cookies?”

• Sitting near you while you work

• “Want to watch this show with me?”

What they really want:
To feel emotionally safe and gently connected.

How to respond:

• Slow down and be present

• Give gentle eye contact or touch

• Say: “I love hanging out with you like this.”

🔵 C-Style Teens (Conscientiousness)

How they make bids:

• Intellectual, logical, detail-oriented

• Share facts, ask deep questions

• Rarely emotional—but still vulnerable

Examples:

• “I read this thing about space travel…”

• “I’ve been thinking about how AI is changing school.”

• “Can I show you something I made?”

What they really want:
To feel intellectually valued and respected.

How to respond:

• Stay curious and focused

• Avoid rushing them

• Say: “That’s fascinating—I’d love to hear more.”

The good news?
You don’t need hours of extra time or a deep therapy background to catch your teen’s bids for connection.

You just need to notice the moment—and turn toward it.

Here are 5 simple ways to start doing that today:

1. Pause Before You Respond

When your teen says something—anything—pause for 2 seconds before brushing it off.
That small pause helps you register: Is this a bid?

Even if it sounds like attitude, ask:

Is this actually them reaching out?

2. Say Their Name

A simple “Hey [name]” as you make eye contact is powerful.
It shows: I see you. I’m here.
This is especially impactful for S and C-style kids who need subtle affirmations of presence.

3. Repeat Back or Reflect

If they say, “Look what I made,” you can say,

“You worked hard on that. Tell me more.”

This signals you’re listening—and that their voice matters.

4. Don’t Try to Fix Everything

Sometimes the bid is just to be heard, not to be helped.
Hold space without solving.
Say:

“That sounds tough. Want to talk more or just vent?”

5. Learn Their Style, Not Just Their Schedule

Knowing their DISC profile helps you anticipate their bids.
You’ll start to recognize when a sarcastic joke is actually a cry for connection—or when “I’m fine” means they’re definitely not.

These micro-moves build trust one moment at a time.
They’re simple, but they’re everything.

Parenting a teenager often feels like walking a tightrope blindfolded.

One minute, they’re laughing at your jokes.
The next, they’re slamming the door.
You question if they even want you around.

But here’s what I’ve learned:
Even when they pull away… they’re still watching.
They’re still listening.
They’re still testing if the relationship is safe.

And the way we respond in the micro-moments is what teaches them whether or not it is.

When you notice their bids and respond—especially when it’s inconvenient, awkward, or subtle—you’re sending a powerful message:

“You matter. I see you. You’re not alone in this.”

Over time, these tiny moments of “turning toward” build something sacred: emotional trust.

That trust becomes the foundation for the hard conversations.
The breakdowns. The rebuilding.
The “Can I talk to you?” moments that catch you off guard in the car or at bedtime.

So if you’ve been wondering:
“Does any of this even matter?”

Yes.
It all matters.

Because trust isn’t built in big dramatic gestures.
It’s built in a hundred small ones.

The good news?
You don’t need to be perfect.
You just need to be present—and willing to turn toward the crow.

If you’re thinking,
“Okay… this all sounds great—but I still don’t really know my teen’s style,”
you’re not alone.

Most parents are trying to connect using their own communication style—not realizing their teen needs something totally different.

That’s why I created the DISC Decoder for Parents.

It’s a quick, powerful guide to help you:
✔️ Understand your teen’s natural DISC style
✔️ Spot their communication patterns (and what they actually mean)
✔️ Learn how to respond in ways that land—without conflict or confusion

And here’s the kicker:
It’s just $1.
Because every parent deserves this clarity—without the overwhelm or the guessing.

Inside, you’ll learn:

• What your teen really needs based on their DISC type

• Why your current parenting style might be clashing with theirs

• How to create more connection with less effort

💛 If you’ve ever felt like you’re “speaking different languages”… this is your translator.

👉 Grab it here:
https://members.coachwilkes.com/disc-decoder-for-parents-sales-page/

Because once you understand how your teen asks for connection…
You’ll stop missing the bids that matter most.

If there’s one thing I want you to take away from this post, it’s this:

Connection isn’t built in the big moments.
It’s built in the tiny ones—the “Hey Mom, look” moments.
The crows. The car rides. The offhand comments that don’t seem like much… until you realize they were everything.

When we learn to see our teen’s bids for what they really are—
invitations to be seen, known, and loved—
everything shifts.

You don’t have to be perfect.
You just have to pause.
To turn toward.
To say, “I’m here.”

Because those are the moments your teen remembers.
Not what you bought them. Not how many events you packed into a weekend.
But how many times you looked up… and really saw them.

Want to know exactly how your teen communicates—and how to meet them where they are?

🧩 Grab the DISC Decoder for Parents for just $1:
👉 https://members.coachwilkes.com/disc-decoder-for-parents-sales-page/

Because the more bids you catch,
The more trust you build.
And trust?
That’s how we finish strong.